Claire Denis’ latest film Bastards (or Les Salauds, if you’re like that) is filthy with family, money, and inappropriate sex. Sounds like holiday fun for the whole family, not to mention a recipe for my favorite cinematic motivation: vengeance. Seeing as life is filled with so few opportunities to rain wrath down upon one’s enemies, it’s important to do the raining-down right. Revenge is a dish best served crazy. Forget being an adult, turning the other cheek, or all those other rational tactics. That’s no way to live. You can take your vengeance lessons from this angry French drama—or just about any genre. Sweet comeuppance can be found in musicals, teen dramas, and even children’s films. Check out my personal picks below, then draw the blinds, and plot.
Cruel Intentions
Hell hath no fury like a sophomore scorned. You may have been distracted by all the teenage tongue-kissing, but this film offers an exceptional lesson in revenge. After all, we’re talking about wealthy Manhattan teenagers with nothing better to do than exact life-changing brutality on each other. Steal another girl’s summer fling? Get a little handsy with your prom date? Forget peer counseling—with friends like these, you’ll be dead within the month. Such is the case in this guiltiest of guilty-pleasure films. Bad guys end up destroyed, un-loved, or dead, and the good guys end up with sexy cars and sunglasses that raise and lower for dramatic effect. All you need to pull this off is an ungodly amount of cash, and nothing else better to do.
Les Misérables
On the other hand, if you have no money, don’t even bother trying to get back at someone. Just try and die in the first act. Otherwise, you’ll be spending three hours running from Russell Crowe, here playing a singing version of the character he’s been playing for the last ten years: a guy that’s beefy and pissed. Russell Crowe’s career path seems to be entirely based on his innate ability to play “I’m super mad at you.” If you’re in a movie with him, just run.
Hard Candy
In the pre-Juno days, Ellen Page was mostly known for this absolutely traumatizing two-person film about the worst online dating match-up ever. Without giving too much away, you’ll get up-close knowledge of vasectomy surgery, not to mention a little light water torture. Date-night material, it is not. But it is beloved by revenge fiends and perverts alike. If one or both of those sounds like you, yahtzee!
Caché
Now that you’ve dabbled in hardcore vengeance, step it up a notch. No one ever accused Michael Haneke of going soft, but here he proves what a wonderful maniac he really is, hammering the point home with dread, silence, and ceremonial suicide. Of all the films on the list, this is the one that might persuade you to eschew the revenge scenario, shake hands and make up. But we’re not done yet…
Office Space
Finish off with the palate-cleanser of Office Space, which features a lot less throat cutting and scrotum dissection. If you’re someone who feels strongly about fax machines, you may have a tough time with this one, but the rest of the universe can simply indulge in 90s nostalgia and Ron Livingston at his dreamiest—not to mention the white-hot fury of low-level, suburbanized, anti-corporate espionage. No one is quite clear how this movie became a cult hit, but statistics show that you’re going to be forcing your girlfriend to watch it for years to come.
Need a good scream? Got an un-fixable problem? Or some really good gossip? I’m listening!
Email: comeinandhaveaseat@gmail.com
Twitter: @mskelseymiller
Or comment below!
Hey Kelsey,
I went to an all-girl boarding school and you got it totally wrong. That’s all.
Theresa
Dear Theresa,
No, I’m right.
Peace!
Kelsey Miller works in media and is the co-editor of The Pudding.
